8 Essential Steps to Take For Expecting Mothers Before Baby Arrives to Retain your Identity
Preparing yourself now to avoid losing your identity once you become a mom is probably one of the best steps you can take before baby arrives.
The journey into and during Motherhood is one of the greatest blessings in life and because of it we get so wrapped up in trying to be the perfect mom that we unfortunately lose ourselves in the process.
Although not intentional, it is extremely common and most times it goes unnoticed and unrealized, until one day you look in the mirror and you don’t even recognize yourself.
Well, to help you not even reach that point I have created a few simple quick steps you can take BEFORE your bundle of joy is here so you can retain your identity throughout motherhood.
What is losing your identity?
When a Mom loses her identity or feels like she lost herself after having children, it usually just means her life revolves around being a mother, a wife/partner if one and all the duties those various roles entails.
Moms don’t identify as their previous self or even a different version of themselves anymore, all other identities have slowly disappeared and they are not sure exactly who they are. Kind of stuck in Mommy Limbo.
Mom’s then mainly identify and classify themselves as just Mom. And oftentimes feels as though their worth is determined by how well the children are growing and learning, how clean the home is and how productive they is, whether it be at work or at home.
Why do Moms lose their identity?
When babies are first born they are completely dependent on their caregivers. Not only does that form a special bond with mom but it also subtly puts mom in a position where she recognizes some of her needs or wants are not more important than the baby and will just have to wait.
But, overtime moms tend to keep that same energy to apply to everything and all aspects of their and baby’s life. Putting themselves on the back burner or even forgetting about themselves to tend to other’s needs first. Sacrificing themselves so they can get all the things done needed in a day.
While being a mom does put some things on hold, loving themselves should never be one of them.
Amazingly, moms have enough love in their hearts to love and care for themselves and still be one dope mama!
Start implementing these habits now to save yourself the struggle later.
So, begin implementing some of these steps in your everyday life before baby comes so you can avoid losing your identity throughout motherhood. Begin developing and reinforcing these new habits into your life now!
Step 1: Define what a powerful mother looks like to you
Take a moment to think to yourself. What does a powerful strong mother, who has it all together, look like to you.
Forget about societal rules, norms, beliefs and perceptions. Forget about what other people tell you – you should or shouldn’t do.
Imagine this type of woman and think about who she is, what she does, how she acts, etc. Whether she works out, pampers herself, is gentle, feels worthy, grateful, fearless etc.
Think about all the qualities and characteristics that type of mother would possess. And create a vision board or some other visual work that will serve as your reminder to make it believable and achievable.
Hang it on your wall or create one on your phone or computer so you can always be reminded of who you want to be and who you are.
Step 2: Create Affirmations
Affirmations are such a powerful tool and goes hand in hand with visualization techniques. They are so extremely easy to do yet so many people find them uncomfortable.
When we begin to do tough work and break down old self limiting beliefs about ourselves, things tend to get uncomfortable and scary.
But once you push past the discomfort, we can truly begin to see how our life begins to open up in ways we could only imagine.
Start breaking down some of your old negative and self limiting beliefs now and replace them with much more positive and uplifting ones.
The worse thing that could happen is not doing the self work ahead of time and then allowing those old beliefs to tear you down further when baby arrives and make you believe your not a great mother.
Write 5-7 positive affirmations and repeat them daily in the mirror now and continue after baby arrives so you can retain your identity.
Step 3: What are your non negotiables?
So this is very important. Create a list of things that are absolutely must do’s right now in your life.
Think of all the ways you tend to yourself now and how you practice self care. Things that just really make you happy as a woman or make your life easier.
Set those in stone as non negotiables and let everyone know how crucial those items are to you feeling like yourself.
I have my non negotiables in a few different areas of my life. Marriage, Motherhood, Self Care and Business are the areas of my life where I have certain things I need to do in each category to feel like myself, live my best life and never again lose my identity.
Whatever it is select 2-3 things that you just have to do monthly to feel good about yourself and set aside concrete time to begin or continue those. Try your best to maintain at least those 2 to 3 things.
Step 4: Time Block
Time blocking is going to be instrumental for you even more so when you become a mom. Time blocking affords you so much more time to get things done. It is one of the strategies that highly effective and productive people implement.
For starters, time block those non negotiable items now. Then continue with time blocking the other activities of your daily life. Have a designated day and time that you try to take care of those items. Setting yourself up to be consistent will make things so much easier for you later.
I know a mother who consistently every week would get a massage. That was her non negotiable. And guess what happened when she had a baby…
She made sure she brought him along to every single appointment to continue her massages.
She set up his play pen with a few toys in it right next to her. Although to others it might not have been ideal but with no support system or babysitter she made sure she still maintained her non negotiables and because of that she was able to be the best for herself and her son and maintain her sense of self.
Step 5. Create a morning or night routine
Ok, now I am sure you are wondering how in the world do I create a routine when babies are so unpredictable. This my friend is unfortunately true!
But when I say create a routine, I mean of the simple things that does not take long but can have a huge effect on you maintaining your identity.
A very short meditation and affirmation reading to start your day followed by reading a few pages of your book, while drinking your morning coffee/tea, and finishing the routine off with a stretch, yoga or exercise could be a refreshing routine that you can begin now before baby comes and likely wont have to change much after baby is here.
You just may need to slightly adjust your timing to fit your new life but the actual routine shouldn’t change. That simple 30-45 minute routine to start or end your day can help you stay grounded.
Step 6: Create new standards for your home
Ok Mamas I know what you are thinking. This is going to be a hard one for many but believe me when I say it is VITAL for your identity.
You must must must and should I say must create new standards of what your house should and will look like on a day to day basis.
Unless of course you are able to afford someone everyday to come to your house and pick up toys right after your child walks away from them, do laundry, cook, clean living, bath and bedrooms, wash 200 dishes, clean the kitchen, disinfect toys, high chairs, change diapers, potty train, breastfeed, sleep train…. should I continue?
I know I cant afford even myself.
Please know and set the expectations that your house will not be perfect all the time anymore.
This was one of the hardest things for me to accept because I have what I consider slight OCD and things just have to be in order and in place.
Now I am not saying it’s ok to live in a pigsty and forget all, but I am saying that you have to learn to take it easy on yourself and loosen up those standards you have about a clean home.
Have the conversation with your partner if you have one and discuss which rooms or areas are vital and or create a chore or cleaning checklist and organizer before the baby gets here. Incorporate some simple cleaning strategies and tips to help you stay on top of as much as you can and know that if you can’t you are still one heck of a mom!
Step 7: Set a pre-baby goal for yourself
This is one of the things I wish I would have got started on before baby. Because I could have reached my goals much quicker had I started working towards my life’s goals ahead of time.
The good thing is, you still have time. Think of something that you want to accomplish or a goal you want to achieve or a business you want to start and instead of doing the cliche “sitting on the couch eating for two” (which I am not saying is bad sometimes, balance is key).
Try to take a few moments out of the day now that baby is not here where you are working towards that goal.
Create the deadline for your goal well after baby is born so that you have to continue working towards something that is meaningful to you.
Think about how amazing it will feel when you are able to say I completed xyz or started a new business with a newborn. Your confidence will skyrocket which will help you stay connected with yourself and reinforce your identity.
Step 8: Seek and Accept Help
First and foremost, never ignore the red flags. Your intuition and instinct will never steer you in the wrong direction.
Always be careful who you trust and if you feel uncomfortable, make sure you are always present or just say no. It is ok! You and your child’s safety is of the upmost importance.
However, sometimes you will have to learn to release the reigns and accept help from others to avoid mommy burnout.
Whether it is your family or a local mom fb group you joined. Help can come in various forms and does not have to include you leaving your baby if you don’t want to.
When I had my sons, my aunt came over and meal prepped meals for me and my husband so all we needed to do was pop it in the oven.
Create a list of things before baby arrives that you think you will need people to help you with either now or after baby is here.
You can always tweak it and add to it later, when they come over or when they ask, offer them the list and let them choose.
Putting together baby furniture, washing clothes, washing dishes, cooking, cleaning, feeding baby, taking older kids to extra-curricular activities or helping older kids with homework are all amazing ways someone can help who truly wants to help.
Not everyone has that support system physically but there are many virtual, networking events, mommy and me classes or fb groups you can join and become a part of to seek help in other ways if need be.
Find some groups, join them and get to know some of the other mamas who are in the same boat as you. You will be amazed what you learn from each other and perhaps the bond you can grow and the help you can receive and offer.
Final Thoughts on Avoiding Losing Your Identity
It is so much easier to begin using these strategies now to avoid losing your identity than to have to figure out how to rediscover yourself later.
I am sure there is tons of advice given to you on the daily about how to care for baby and what you should and shouldn’t do for baby. Hopefully, you have gained some insight on how you can also care for yourself ahead of time too.
Mommy burnout is a real thing and it can be easily achieved if you don’t take the time to learn some strategies now to help prepare you for the future.
The key is repetition and consistency. Make sure you practice now to engrain these behaviors, habits and thought processes into your system.
Implementing consistency before baby comes is what will help you avoid losing your identity and retain it through motherhood to really be the best mom you could be.
What are some of your non negotiables’ or pre-baby goals?
Comment below…
